Very Punny

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It is said that the ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development.  Below are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest. 

1.     A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2.     Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3.     Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.    Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4.     Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5.     Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication. 

6.     A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 

7.     A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in  Spain ; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 

8.     A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.   He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.     Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns on his blog, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did. 

Christ-Honoring Confidence

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Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; but we will remember the name of the Lord our God. Psalm 20:7 (NKJV)



Two ducks and a frog were great friends. One year as their pond was drying up they decided they should change locales. The two ducks could easily fly to the next pond over, but what about their friend the frog? The solution to their dilemma was for the two ducks to fly side-by-side with a stick in their beaks. The frog would hold on to the stick with his mouth. All was going well when they flew over an adjacent farm. The farmer saw them and commented, "That's great! I wonder whose idea that was?" The frog said, "It was mine." Indeed, "pride goes before destruction and haughtiness before a fall.” (Proverbs 16:18)



When confidence in our abilities and resources changes to pride and then becomes arrogance, there's trouble ahead. So how do we find balance? Simply by remembering that every gift, ability, talent, and resource we have has come from God. There's nothing sinful about recognizing and confessing what God has provided, but the difference between self-confidence and Christ-honoring confidence is found in who gets the credit. A good way to keep this at the forefront of our life is to practice the art of thanksgiving. It's hard to be too self-confident when we acknowledge we are nothing without God. The apostle Paul said I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That translates into living confidently - as long as your confidence is in Christ.

Extra! Extra! Reread all about it!

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So I've added to "My Top Five" again. It's funny at this point because I think there are seven posts linked there. errrrr..... HERE. Soon I'll have to change it to a Top Ten. So click through and reread (or just 1st read!) what I think are some of my best posts.


In other news, I passed another milestone this week. My 13,000th visitor. Woot! Woot!

Thanks to everyone who reads these humble little attempts to talk about God, my family, and myself. When Patty asked me to do this three years ago, I figured it would be therapeutic. I never imagined anyone would ever actually read it. That's a lot of pressure. As - hopefully - you can tell, the writing is a little more concise and less rambling than at the beginning.


Blessings everyone! May God richly bless your day!

New Sermons

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Two new sermons up on http://sermon.net/Beaverdam or from the sermon player at the bottom of this page.


You may have to scroll down or check the archives. The Restored Church was from the Bible Conference I preached at in May 2011 and Jesus The Same from Shamrock's Revival in April 2010.

The Letter Home

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Dear mom and dad,

Our Scoutmaster Walt told us to write home and let you know we are OK in case you saw the flood on TV. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got swept away. Luckily none of us got drowned cause we were up in the mountains looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yeah, please call Chad’s mom and tell her he’s OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him if it wasn’t for the lightning. Our scoutmaster Walt got real mad at Chad for going on a hike alone, but Chad said he did tell him. But it was during the fire, so he probably didn’t hear him.

Did you know if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood did not burn but one of the tents did. Man, Dave is gonna look weird until his hair grows back. We’ll all be home Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt can get the car fixed. The accident wasn’t his fault. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said with a car that old you have to expect something to break down, that’s probably why he can’t get any insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t mind if we get it dirty, and when it’s real hot he lets us ride on the hood.

Guess what? We all got our first aids badges. When Dave jumped in the water and cut his arm on the rocks, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it was probably just food poisoning from the old leftover chicken. He said they used to get sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he figured out how to do things better when he was doing time.

I have to go now. We going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Love

Colt

Young Steve

Ahhh. What a difference 20 years makes. At least I still have my hair!

Circa 1988

2010

VBS Pics

A few pictures from this years VBS

Rex Brothers And The Braves

Our trip to Atlanta to see Rex and the Rockies take on the Braves. The Braves won, of course. Rex didn't pitch this night, but we got to see him up close and personal because of our great seats!

Our view from the hotel room

Rex

The view from our seats

It's so hot...

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It's ‎103*f with a heat index of 115, 74 dew pont and 45% humidity. It's so hot even the Devil's praying for rain!

VBS and Other Fun Stuff

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VBS started last night, I’ll try to get pictures up later today. This year I am working a shop. (Craft table) which I’ve never done before. I’m usually the Tax Collector, Synagogue Leader, or Joseph from last year. So it’s a nice change of pace.



Other stuff:



Saturday night we went to see a fireworks display that had been delayed due to rain. We stopped at Mickie D’s for ice cream. Luke is a cookies and cream man. He usually gets a chocolate shake at McDonalds, but was hesitant because his last one there wasn’t very good. Soooooo, I encouraged him to try McDonald’s Hydrox Cookie Blizzard thingy. (A McFlurry I think they call it.) All of the sudden everyone is laughing. Apparently, Luke thought I was encourageing him to get a “Crack Rock Blizzard.” I am slowly learning to be less precise. From now on, it’s an Oreo Cookie McFlurry!



As we left the drive thru, I popped in a Bluegrass tape. (OK, to be precise, I turned on the auxiliary unit of our stereo system and played Bluegrass through my MP3 player.) I believe that Luke went into an apoplexy seizure or something. For someone who misses Kentucky so much, you would think he’d like Bluegrass a little more! Nope! Says Luke, “Rednecks call the people who listen to that ‘Rednecks.’”

A Dirty Window Theology

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Abraham, who, contrary to hope, in hope believed. Romans 4:18 (NKJV)



I heard about a man who swallowed an egg whole. He was heard to comment later that he was afraid to move because he didn’t want the egg to break, and he was afraid to sit still because he thought it might hatch!

This poor old boy didn’t know which way to go! How like us! Many of us are like the chicken man here and me; we suffer from the paralysis of analysis. (At least that’s what Patty accuses me of much of the time.)

This is the opposite of what the Bible says about Abram. In Genesis 12 God called Abram and told him to leave his home. “Go where I tell you.” That’s all that God told Abram. “Leave and I’ll tell you when you get there.” Folks that’s faith. Paul says that Abram, “contrary to hope, in hope believed.”

I read a story about a special needs facility called the Sunshine Home. They specialized in dealing with mentally challenged children and adults. The facility was run by a Christian organization, and the leaders and care givers would constantly tell the residents about the Lord. One of the things they emphasized was the soon return of Jesus. This actually caused a problem for the custodial staff. Every morning the children would get out of bed and run to the windows and press their noses and hands against the windows to look at the sky and see if Jesus was there! This is a Dirty Window Theology. This is a theology that emphasizes hope.

Whenever your situation seems contrary to hope; when it seems like everything is against you, don’t be like the chicken man and be afraid to move, be like the residents of the Sunshine Home; be like Abram who contrary to hope, in hope believed.

Sermon Player

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For some reason the sermon player at the bottom of the blog is not loading all the time. If it's not there you can access it here.

For My Children

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LEARNING THE BICYCLE
(for Heather)

The older children pedal past
Stable as little gyros, spinning hard
To supper, bath, and bed, until at last
We also quit, silent and tired
Beside the darkening yard where trees
Now shadow up instead of down.
Their predictable lengths can only tease
Her as, head lowered, she walks her bike alone
Somewhere between her wanting to ride
And her certainty she will always fall.

Tomorrow, though I will run behind,
Arms out to catch her, she’ll tilt and balance wide
Of my reach, till distance makes her small,
Smaller, beyond the place I stop and know
That to teach her I had to follow
And when she learned I had to let her go.

 
Charles R. Swindoll, The Grace Awakening

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1 month, 28 days, 11 hours and 15 seconds!

Not that I'm counting or anything!

Casey Anthony, Baseball, and Jesus

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Two things I am thankful for:


1. That until yesterday I really had no idea who or what Casey Anthony was or had done. (Or, apparently…didn’t do.) I am shocked that a jury trial in Orlando State Court has had such an impact on people around the country. I’m glad that I watch FoxNews about once a week and rarely get drug down in the mire of Headline News Syndrome. The one exception being the last six months of a POTUS election. Then I care enough to keep up. Mostly, I feel that there is enough injustice; suffering; sickness; loneliness; and loss here in Cassatt, South Carolina to keep me busy.






2. I am thankful for little boys at Major League baseball games. Three boys sat in front of us at the game last night. We were in the second row from the field, next to the bullpen. (Obviously, they were FRONT row) The sheer delight of having their hero sign a baseball; the wide eyes, the gianormous smiles, the knowing looks shared between best buddies…well folks, that’s kind of the excitement and exhilaration I feel about heaven. Oh, and I can’t forget the really little boy sitting behind us. Question after question had me in stitches. “Daddy, why do they call it a bullpen?” “Daddy, why is he running?” “Daddy, why are those guys dragging a fishing net around the bases?” The exasperated father eventually said to his son that he didn’t need to ask any more questions while the game was being played. The dad then said to his neighbor something about a bad call by the ump. The little boy? “Daddy, why can you talk while they’re playing and I can’t?” Ah. An inquisitive spirit. Me too. “Daddy, why did you create the universe?” “Daddy, why did you send Your Son?” I am thankful for little boys at Major League baseball games.

Mostly, I am thankful for my Lord and Savior. He is the only news worth getting excited about! He’s the only game in town. He is Jesus.

The Declaration Of Independence

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I believe it is safe to say that the Declaration Of Independence may be the most cited, yet least read document in US history. Have YOU read it lately?



Here it is, verbatim, including capitalization and spelling, by Thomas Jefferson and cohorts. God Bless the USA!





IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.


The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,


When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.


We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.


He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.


He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.


He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.


He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.


He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.


He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.


He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.


He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.


He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.


He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.


He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.


He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:


For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:


For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:


For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:


For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:


For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:


For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences


For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:


For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:


For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.


He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.


He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.


He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.


In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.