Even More Things I Poner While The Ushers Take Up The Offering

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box what color would it change to?

What do they pack Styrofoam in?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

If Darth Vader Would Have Been There

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If Darth Vader Had Been There

Very funny stuff from http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=32515
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Preacher Steve’s Simple Step to Stop Smoking

So I made some comments Sunday about tobacco use. Something about leaving tobacco products outside the church, that they would be there when the service was over because there is “not a hog or dog in Kershaw County that would mess with that stuff.”  I know, I know…Some of you think that old fashion, SOUTHERN Baptist preaching is out of style. (I hit liquor pretty hard too. I haven’t started preaching against movies yet. Mostly because I want to see The Avengers this Summer.)  And some of you are thinking that stuff doesn’t apply to you. You know:

I don’t drink

and I don’t chew,

and I don’t run with the girls who do!

Mostly though, I’ve been told, “You don’t know how hard it is to quit.” OK. Here it is…

Preacher Steve’s Simple Step to Stop Smoking

Buy a small New Testament and place a book mark at Philippians 4:13. Place the Testament where you normally keep your cigarettes. Whenever you get the urge to smoke, open up to Philippians and take a long drag on “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Then put it back. Smoking cured.

For addition help,

Repeatedly watch; “First Cigarette” circa 1970.

In Other News:

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ABBA as Anti-Christ

So ABBA is the Anti-Christ. Or maybe just the False Prophet. Ehh??   You decide.

Bjoern Ulvaeus spelled backwards is Sueavlu Nreojb. Which I’m pretty sure is Swedish for Six hundred sixty-six. A little known fact. (Or it could mean Swedish Fish. It's hard to translate.) However, the Book of 2 Opinions 12:74 says that the Antichrist will be a Nordic singer that will promote a cashless society.

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Shoeless Joe Bidden sticks foot in mouth...again

So the Veep told a pro-Obama crowd at a fund raiser that the Bin Laden raid was the greatest military gamble in over five centuries! Really, Joe? Said the VP, “You can go back 500 years. You cannot find a more audacious plan. Never knowing for certain. We never had more than a 48 percent probability that he was there. Do any one of you have a doubt that if that raid failed that this guy would be a one-term president?”

*****sigh***** Mr Vice President…I don’t have to go back 500 years. I don’t even have to go back 70 years. I suggest, Joe, that you Google the date June 6, 1944.

In the words of Gordon Ramsey, "You donkey! Hang your head in shame."

Lawyers fired for wearing orange

And I thought it was just me. Kudos to the executive at that law firm for firing these 14 minions for wearing orange to work. It is a blasphemous, devilish color. Everyone knows that Red and Black are God’s colors; holy and true. Orange? Satanic. The followings photographs give evidence to such reasoning.

Holy interstate caution sign, Batman.

 No subtitles needed.

Ellie Mea Clampett? Well, she was from the hills of Tennessee.

 Oh, wait. I said Orange clothes...not orange people. Did Anne Hathaway get a part as a giant Oompa Loompa?

Like I said, blasphemy.

 Except, that's a white shirt. Auburn, Florida, Tennessee, Clemson? Do they have degrees in color management? I think not.

And my favorite...

Greyhound tickets to Atlanta...$98
Day spent at Sue Billie's Hair Emporium...$98
12 hot dogs, four Cokes, and a pretzel...$98
#98, pansy orange XXXL windbreaker...$98
Realizing how awful orange looks on television...Priceless

 Now here is something to sing about!

 Glory, glory, to Old Georgia!

Abe Lincoln

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“The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it’s difficult to discern whether or not they are genuine.”
~ Abraham Lincoln

More Things I Ponder While The Ushers Are Taking Up The Offering

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would it be called Fed Up?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a nuclear reactor out of a coconut shell and some palm fronds, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?  If so, how could you treat them?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Things I Ponder When The Ushers Are Taking Up The Offering

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards as it is forwards?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why is there a 's' in lisp?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

If you were scared half to death twice, would you be 3/4 dead or 100% dead?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you asked a librarian where the books on self-help were would she tell you, or would that defeat the purpose?

If you spin an Oriental person around and around, does he become disorientated?

*********sigh***************

I really have a lot of work to do on Promoting Awareness Regarding Legal and Ethical Issues in the Biblical Counseling Ministry of the Local Church

Back to work, now….

Lord, commandist what Thou wilst, and grant what thou commandest. ~ St Augustine

Friends

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Ministry can be difficult. It’s very much like being in the military (I can attest to that also) because you start getting Christmas cards from Allied Van Lines. When the moving company knows your first name, you’ve moved around some! It’s not really been that bad, we’ve been here in Cassatt for three years now, and we were in Kentucky for five and in Middle Tennessee for seven. But the names and faces are starting to pile up.

My “best” friend is and probably will always be Tracy Ponder. Trace and I have one of those relationships where I can go for years and not talk to him , yet with the next phone call we are back in rhythm, talking (as Patty says) in our own language. (So does Luke and Will; have their own language that is. Maybe it’s a guy thing.!?. Hey Tracy: Andithadsevemheads! Andlilbittyfeets!)

I have made several really good lifelong friends over the years. Tony Higgins, Kelly Cotton,  and John Wynn are all men I could call if I needed and they would be there for me, and they could do the same with me.

There is another name to add to the list; Roy Broughman. God put Roy and me together at a time when we both desperately needed each other. We both needed intellectually stimulating conversations. I love these farmers that that I pastor without equivocation, but a discussion on the ramifications of particular redemption on our soteriological urgency ain’t gonna happen in our conversations.  But now Roy is the one with Allied Van Lines in the parsonage driveway. So once again I guess I’ll have to keep my epistemological arguments about open theism to myself. (But I’ll tell you that I don’t like it!)

Roy is headed to the Promised Land…the Land Where God’s Glory Dwells…The Land Of The Shekhinah Glory…otherwise known as Georgia. Maybe God will see fit to put us close together again—preferably before we no longer have a need to discuss eschatology. In the mean time I give to Roy the greatest advice possible: you must learn a few things from my sagely wisdom on all things Georgia.

 1) Just say, “Go you silver britches” occasionally in your sermon and you’ll do fine. (i.e. “And in Luke 14:36 Jesus said, ‘For Florida is neither fit for the land nor for the dunghill!  Go you silver britches.’”)

2) Do not wear anything orange. If you have any orange clothing, burn them at the state line.

3) In Georgia, especially where you are, a “mess” is a good thing. If you hear, “Preacher! We brought you a mess of peanuts,” don’t panic. That’s actually the good ones.

4) No. All of your deacons are not pig farmers. When they gather together each Sunday and talk about their Bush Hogs, they are referring to machinery. A bush hog is not actually a pig, but an extra large mowing device.

5) In South Georgia there is this terrible thing known as “Oyster Stew.” DO NOT BE FOOLED! You will be told it is a tradition. You will be told it is comfort food. You will be told it is delicious. The fact is that it is the equivalent of boiled snot served in that congealed liquid from a can of Vienna sausages. If you are offered oyster stew you must act quickly. Feign a ruptured appendix.  Lie on the floor and twitch your right leg and cry out, “Myrtle!” Keep this up until the ambulance arrives. Once you are cleared of the scene, have the EMT’s drop you off at the nearest Texas Roadhouse.

Technology

I love little gadgets that have no real purpose other than being cool. (Or scary, as the case may be.)

Take for instance the Live World feature of my blog. Scroll down about half way and you should see a revolving globe on the left side.

It should be showing...YOU!

Where are you? Or at least, where is your Internet port connecting from?


Remember, I'm watching you. lol-out-loud!

Priceless

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Just when things look the darkest, God send a little mercy drop of laughter to brighten your day.

Going into this weekend's game against SC, I needed this.

Thanks, Steveo.

The Letter Home

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Dear mom and dad,

Our Scoutmaster Walt told us to write home and let you know we are OK in case you saw the flood on TV. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got swept away. Luckily none of us got drowned cause we were up in the mountains looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yeah, please call Chad’s mom and tell her he’s OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him if it wasn’t for the lightning. Our scoutmaster Walt got real mad at Chad for going on a hike alone, but Chad said he did tell him. But it was during the fire, so he probably didn’t hear him.

Did you know if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood did not burn but one of the tents did. Man, Dave is gonna look weird until his hair grows back. We’ll all be home Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt can get the car fixed. The accident wasn’t his fault. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said with a car that old you have to expect something to break down, that’s probably why he can’t get any insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t mind if we get it dirty, and when it’s real hot he lets us ride on the hood.

Guess what? We all got our first aids badges. When Dave jumped in the water and cut his arm on the rocks, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it was probably just food poisoning from the old leftover chicken. He said they used to get sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he figured out how to do things better when he was doing time.

I have to go now. We going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Love

Colt

VBS and Other Fun Stuff

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VBS started last night, I’ll try to get pictures up later today. This year I am working a shop. (Craft table) which I’ve never done before. I’m usually the Tax Collector, Synagogue Leader, or Joseph from last year. So it’s a nice change of pace.



Other stuff:



Saturday night we went to see a fireworks display that had been delayed due to rain. We stopped at Mickie D’s for ice cream. Luke is a cookies and cream man. He usually gets a chocolate shake at McDonalds, but was hesitant because his last one there wasn’t very good. Soooooo, I encouraged him to try McDonald’s Hydrox Cookie Blizzard thingy. (A McFlurry I think they call it.) All of the sudden everyone is laughing. Apparently, Luke thought I was encourageing him to get a “Crack Rock Blizzard.” I am slowly learning to be less precise. From now on, it’s an Oreo Cookie McFlurry!



As we left the drive thru, I popped in a Bluegrass tape. (OK, to be precise, I turned on the auxiliary unit of our stereo system and played Bluegrass through my MP3 player.) I believe that Luke went into an apoplexy seizure or something. For someone who misses Kentucky so much, you would think he’d like Bluegrass a little more! Nope! Says Luke, “Rednecks call the people who listen to that ‘Rednecks.’”

Got S'more?

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Day 1 of the Southern Baptist Convention finds me in Wears Valley, Tennessee. No the SBC isn't meeting in Gatlinburg or even in Knoxville although that is a wonderful idea.

We simply could not afford to fly to Phoenix, so this year I used my standing reservation with Gideon Camp Camden to escape for a few days to the Glorious Smokie Mountains. Patty, Stevie, Luke, and our "adopted summer son" Will and I are staying in a great cabin, just a short 5 minutes from downtown Pigeon Forge.

Last night we had s'mores, and I ain't talking the Pop-Tart kind. Good, old fashioned s'mores with marshmallows sooty and caked in wood chips! Of course, the diabetic dad only had one, as did Patty. But a few hours later, all signs of marshmallows, Hershey bars, and gram crackers were extinct. This was Will's first taste of a s'more, unlike Stevie who being a retired Girl Scout has eaten quite a few.

Ahh. What an oooey-gooey mess. Now that's what I'm talking about!


Today, they all get their fist crack at tubing the Little Pigeon River.

The Greatest Steve Spurrier Joke Ever

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Steve Spurrier gets an invite to the SEC Quarterback's Conference in Atlanta and takes Stephen Garcia with him. While he’s there milling around, he runs into Mark Richt. Steve says, “Hey, Coach. Tell me something. How is it you guys at Georgia always end up with great QB’s? I can’t buy myself a decent thrower.” Richt says, “Hold on minute, Steve. Hey Aaron! Come here for a minute.” Aaron Murray trots over and Richt says, “Aaron. Who is your father’s brother’s nephew?” Without missing a beat, Murray snaps, “Why that’d be me, Coach.” Richt thanks the boy a sends him on his way. He then says to Spurrier, “It’s all about finding the smart ones. A smart qb equals a smart offence.” Steve thanks Richt and walks off.

He soon sees Garcia hanging out with Greg McElroy and calls his qb over. “Stephen, I want you to tell me as quick as you can, who is your father’s brother’s nephew?” Garcia says, “Uhh…Can I get back to you on that coach?” Spurrier slams his visor to the ground and yells at Garcia, “Well make it quick!” Garcia jogs over to McElroy and the ‘Bama qb says, “What was that all about?!” Garcia says, “He wants to know who my father’s brother’s nephew is.” “Oh, that old trick? That’s easy. The answer is, 'It’s me.'” Garcia thanks his friend and runs back to Spurrier. “Well!?” spewed the Old Ball Coach. Garcia says, “I figured it out coach! My father’s brother’s nephew is Greg McElroy!” Spurrier looses it! He turns red, throws his visor, puffs his cheeks, kicks at the air, and then sighs, and says to Garcia, “No…no..no you idiot! It’s Aaron Murray!

The Second Greatest Steve Spurrier Joke Ever

Quick Update

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I passed 9,000 hits last week, and published my 250th post. Both milestones I meant to mention as they happened, but oh, well. The life of a Pastor/D Min student/Husband/Father/Band Club President, I guess.

In other news, I have been diagnosed with gout. Or as it is called here in South Carolina, The Gout. Not sure about that definite article there. I don't think that I have the only gout that there is.

It reminds me of Kentucky, where folks with diabetes had The Sugar. "Did you hear about Brother Steve? He has THE SUGAR." (done, done, DONNNNNE!) "Nope. But I did hear that Preacher Leigh has THE GOUT."
Bless his heart! He has the everything.


Anyway. No biggie. Just the most excruciating pain I have ever had. Ha. I had to get Luke to drive me to the Urgent Care Saturday. My right knee would not bend. So I couldn't even use my imaginary brake on the passenger side.


So, it's Spring Time here in South Carolina. We are surrounded by pine trees. If you're a southerner you know what that means. If you're a Yankee (or from the left coast), you know how people up y'alls way refer to snow? Like inches (or feet if you're far enough north.) Well that's how we refer to pollen.

"We got 3" today."

"That's nothing. I remember the great pollizard of sevemty-tooo. Why, we musta got a foot if we got an inch."


So I said all of that to say this, my sinuses have been on overdrive the last week or so. I hacked and coughed all through my Sunday morning.

The Gout!
The Sugar!
The Pollen!

I'm telling you folks, I'm much too young to feel this old!

For My Fellow Theologs

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I came across this today, and thought it was very funny.

Here is my take, only altered slightly!



Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.


I said, “Don’t do it!"
He said, “Nobody loves me.”


I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, “A Christian.”


I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”


I said, “Me, too! What denomination?”
He said, “Baptist.”


I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Southern Baptist.”


I said, “Me, too! Southern SBC or Southern CBF?”
He said, “Southern SBC.”


I said, “Me, too! Southern SBC BF&M 1969, or Southern SBC BF&M 2001?”
He said, “Southern SBC BF&M 2001.”


I said, “Me, too! Southern SBC BF&M 2001, Landmark Theology, or Southern SBC BF&M 2001, Reformed Theology?”
He said, “Southern SBC BF&M 2001, Landmark Theology."


I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

Super Moon

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Check out these pictures of the "super moon" from last night.

                                               St Michael's Tower on Glastonbury Tor, Somerset in England

Moon over Manhattan



Link to article and more pictures HERE

There Is Nothing Wrong With Her At All

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OK. So, there is also romantic love to talk about, and I cannot think of a more romantic passage in all the Bible than Song of Songs 4.


1 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, you are beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are like doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats streaming down Mount Gilead.
2 Your teeth are white like newly sheared sheep just coming from their bath. Each one has a twin, and none of them is missing.
3 Your lips are like red silk thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your cheeks behind your veil are like slices of a pomegranate.
4 Your neck is like David's tower, built with rows of stones. A thousand shields hang on its walls; each shield belongs to a strong soldier.
5 Your breasts are like two fawns, like twins of a gazelle, feeding among the lilies.
6 Until the day dawns and the shadows disappear, I will go to that mountain of myrrh and to that hill of incense.
7 My darling, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you.



I can hear the Queen of Sheba now..."Shut up, Solomon. You had me at the Goats of Gilead!"

After all, there is nothing wrong with her at all. And as a bonus, she has all of her teeth!

Wishes May Come True

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

No Whining

If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team.

I love Despair.com. Too, funny!